he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
