just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
