We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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