Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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