I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
