Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
