That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
