So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
