I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
