my phone needs a breathalizer
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
