I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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