the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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