New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
