I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
