I wannas sexs uuuuu
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
