Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
