nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
