im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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