her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
