I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
