You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
