He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
