I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize