My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
