True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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