Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
