my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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