just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
