1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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