Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
