Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
