with your own penis?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
