I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
