I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
