I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
