My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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