My nipple is on Facebook.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
