I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
