I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
