Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
