Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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