I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
