She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize