I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
