I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
