i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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