Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
