Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
