Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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