I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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