Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
