dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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