it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
3pm strippers are depressing
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
