I wanna passion pit in your ass
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
