i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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