i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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