he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
