Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
