Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
