but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
