guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize