FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How external is "for external use only"?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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